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IN FRONT OF THE GRAPEFRUIT

So anyway, like she says to me, jabber jabber and I say to her yadda yadda and we jabber jabber and yadda yadda standing in front of the grapefruit at Gristede’s. I was on my way to oranges and she looked like she was on her way to celery and we just bumped  into each other. Actually I saw her first, but believe you me, I had second and third thoughts about talking to her, what with that--can I confined in you?--scandal in her family with her son running off with an older woman. Imagine! That gorgeous boy should find some beauty his own age. He’s absolutely a hunk. Oh my God how he must be hung. I’d love to---well anyway it was the talk of the Tupperware circuit. You do use Tupperware don’t you? Can’t stand it myself, but if I didn’t go to the parties, they’d talk about me, not that there’s much of anything for them to talk about. Well, there was this rumor of an indiscretion when Arthur and I were in Aruba and there was this life guard I found very attractive if you know what I mean and well if Arthur didn’t find a waitress but he did. At least

a life guard is a lot classier than a waitress. This is entre nous isn’t it. Nothing really happened. Actually I don’t mean “nothing,” you know what I mean, but there was no harm done. We’re adults after all aren’t we and

these things happen. So then we got back to normal, except for well, the genital herpes and I bet it was Dr. Sagow’s wife who works in his office who told the world and people stopped inviting us. I think they were afraid they’d catch it if we used their toilet for something. But I ask you, why should I suffer? It was Arthur who gave it to me. All that talk that I gave it to him is a damn lie. That sweet hunk of a life guard would never give me anything so vile. And of course we’re not living together. How understanding could I be? A waitress is one thing, but to give me that, that disease, well, that’s quite another matter.