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Her Daughter’s Bat Mitzvah: A Mother Talks To The Rabbi

“We have to have my side of the family and his side and with all the blending we need a Cuisenart to put it together; oh, and I almost forgot, I’ll never forgive myself, that dear aunt of my ex. Come to think of it, she snubbed me at her husband’s funeral, but of course she was upset, upset? Bullshit, pardon my French, she probably killed the old guy who was better off dead, well, maybe not, but you know, anyway, on second thought leave the bitch out. So where were we? Like I was saying, we’re having this Bat Mitzvah, well actually it is my daughter, Carly, but you know what I mean, like I feel that it is mine since I couldn’t possibly have a daughter old enough and then just look at her, she isn’t even developed yet and she’s supposed to be a woman. Now come close I want to whisper this, she wanted a training bra, but I told her, baby, you don’t have any boobs to train yet, but she said all the girls have them and she feels like a freak, so would you believe, I went over to Macys and bought her a couple, and then I told her that I hoped she wouldn’t have big bazooms like mine because they are one hell of a weight to carry around all the time, but of course at her age, what does she know, she wants boobs, and when people ask me what they can get her for her Bat Mitzvah I want to tell them, “boobs, big boobs,” but of course I don’t; except, well, I did to my sister and we had a good laugh about it. So there we are. Now, what did you say I need to do at the service? Oh well I don’t know any Hebrew, but wait,  you want to me to learn, me? I couldn’t even learn to say, buenas dias properly after 5 years of Spanish and you expect me to pronounce Hebrew correctly? You may not realize it, but you are talking to a real dunce; yes, I mean it, I barely graduated high school and then I married her father; boy was that a mistake, well I don’t know, I had no choice, and okay, I was pregnant and I didn’t see anything else I could do, so we had to get married and things were okay for a time and then the baby came and he seemed to lose interest and maybe I lost interest in him, well maybe if I had tried harder, I don’t know, but that bastard, excuse me, he could have tried too, but I have to admit he was a good provider and even after the divorce he kept up the payments and saw Carly all the time and when he came I always put on a nice dress and made sure my makeup was perfect and I invited him in and made sure Carly saw his parents but then he remarried and that was the worst day of my life and now we have this Bat Mitzvah and there is just me and then there is him and that new wife of his and I don’t know what to do.”